A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air