DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
pls suprot
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.