I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
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Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk