Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
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How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”