My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Genius idea!!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda