You Might Also Like
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.