WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
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Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
screw you
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”