[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
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Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
As the Lord intended
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist