I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at