Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
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taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
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ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
*shows up at your work*
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Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?