SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
She: I like Cats
He:
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.