A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
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Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):