Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.