haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence