My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
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Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.