My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
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[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets