Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
You deplete me
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.