Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.