They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
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Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
canadian assassins are called killergrams
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.