I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Just a phase…
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks