Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
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The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
When ur friends with white people
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Weighing up my bread heating options
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Found the job I’m suited for
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky