one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!