*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.