My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.