[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
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God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is