Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
You Might Also Like
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Cake!!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.