Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
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I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.