[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
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having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Sign of the day..
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps