If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
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Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Merica.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”