“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Möther may I have a snäck
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Morning my dudes.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen