Lube but for my dry humor.
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It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Smells like a challenge to me
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S