You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
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I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Who knew!
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please