Jokes on them. I took 10.
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Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks