I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m awake but I object,
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”