It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
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How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right