[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
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Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
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wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
This 4th of July, please remember…
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler