[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
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Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.