Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
You Might Also Like
I’m too immature for adultery.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.