Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
This sounds bad:
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.