[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Nothing to do, you say?
Every work meeting this week
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I feel it
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.