Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha