Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
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Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick