No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet