“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.