“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!