My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I think this cat is broken
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose