How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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Miscakes
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
selena gomez
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Happy Friday
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome