No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
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Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog