eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
You Might Also Like
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her: