I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
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I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.